Letra de Small Talk

[Announcer]
Ladies and gentleman…
Tom Segura!
[Applause]
What up!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
It’s great to be in Seattle! Yes.
One of my favorite places and I am fuckin’ falling apart.
All right, um… I hate who I’m becoming, socially.
Like, all my social interactions,
I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.
Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now, like, ugh.
I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport,
I was like, “It rains a lot here, huh?” [laughter]
And I swear, there’s another voice in my head going,
“You’re a piece of shit for this conversation.” [laughter]
What’s the guy supposed to say?
He’s in the car and he’s like, “Yeah…” [laughter] “…it does.
And you’re a real piece of shit for this, just so you know.’
I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn’t.
Like, “I’m from Southern California, we sure could use it.” – [chuckles] – [laughter]
And he was like, “I’ll run us off the fucking road.
I’ll kill us both, I swear to God I will.”
God forbid I meet a tall person now, like—
If you’re over six-four, there’s no way I’m not addressing it.
Like I’m gonna be like, – “Wow, you’re tall.” – [laughter]
“Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing?
I have a friend that’s tall.”
Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that’s tall.
Like, what’s next? “My dad’s super strong? – I bet he’s stronger than your dad.” – [laughter]
Ugh. It’s better than my dad’s actual small talk, which is awkwardly racial small talk.
It’s not racist, but it involves race.
Um… Like, we’re at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she’s Asian.
My dad will be like, “You Chinese?” – [laughter]
And she’s like, “No, I’m Korean.” “Oh, I was in Vietnam.”
And I’m like… [laughter] “What are you doing?” “What? I was.”
“I know. What does that have to do with anything?”
Then he goes, “Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean.”
I’m like, “Oh, man.” – [laughter] [whistles]
Well… “Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we’re gonna wrap it up pretty quick.”
Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay?
‘Cause, it’s gonna get weird. Like… Dude, I see it.
A black guy starts talking to us and my dad’ll be like… [laughter]
I can see it in his eyes, like a clock’s ticking down.
And I’m like, “How weird are you about to be with him?”
He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you’re like, “Sit still.”
And the dog’s like… [laughter] “I work with a black guy!”
Ohh. Ohh. [laughter]
Oh, man. “Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don’t know…
Thought you knew each other. I don’t know. I don’t know him.
He works in the building.”
You’re like, “Fuck.” Jesus.